Thursday, November 12, 2009

Thirds Day!

Hayley remembered thirds day today! Yes! *Does proud of herself dance, and falls on her face*

Now that Hayley has embarrassed herself, by dancing and then displaying her clumsiness. We shall Hayley managed, after much hair pulling, screaming and aggravated eating, preformed by her family members, to cut her writing down, massively. It all but killed her, and then when discussing the writing with her teachers (who are awesome by the way) was given mixed feedback. They liked it, but didn't think it had a wow factor, it is an excerpt so she supposes that's because well she can only fit so much onto a one page doubled spaced size ten word document.

So she would like to ask her blogging buddies (hehe she has blogging buddies, that makes her very giddy) what they think of her revamped, edited and liposuctioned piece, be honest please. She can take it.

The light from the burning town miles away pressed through the wooden panels that obscured the windows. Ashlyn tugged on her tank top, ran a hand through her cropped hair, and bit her lip as she began to kick a piece of the wood, avoiding his eyes, she’d missed him, and it hurt. He’d hurt her.

“I can’t believe this!” Declan ignored her, focused on one escape route; through the city in the abandoned subway tunnels. The plank groaned beneath her unceasing attack “I stayed behind for a reason!”

“And what was that to get yourself killed?” Declan held the binoculars up to his eyes, gazing at the camp on the outskirts of their old home. But they wouldn’t have killed her, and that was worse than dying. He’d die before he let that happen to her. Declan shook his head trying to focus, to gain control.

“No moron, I don’t see why you care anyways why are you here? Why aren’t you back with the army? You left me—you left five years ago; you should have never come back! I don’t need you!”

“Ashlyn be quiet they might hear you” Declan glanced at her for the first time since they’d gotten to the safe house. Her hair was shorter now; she had changed in every way possible. Even if she’d been disfigured he could have recognized her a mile away. She wasn’t a child anymore, they weren’t children.

“And I care because?” Because she’d kept him alive, brought him home, because he needed her.

“Just shut up Ashlyn, they have super senses. How can you not get this? If they get any closer and you keep yelling they will hear you.” Ashlyn brushed this off continuing on her tirade.

“Declan what are you doing here? No one wanted you here; I don’t see why you even had to come back—”

“Ashlyn!” Declan’s voice was stern echoing smoothly across the darkened room, his grey eyes blazing with anger.

“If you don’t shut up” he pulled his gun from its holster “I’m going to shoot you.” he aimed it at her. Ashlyn looked from his gun to him and stepped forward her golden eyes never leaving Declan’s face. He stared back, gaze unwavering, hand steady, as she moved closer until the barrel of the gun was pressed against her bare skin, brushing the neckline of her tank top, right above her heart.

“Do it.” She breathed “You killed me once, go on do it again.” Declan didn’t move his eyes never leaving her face; holding the pistol ever steady “Pull the trigger.” She whispered.

“Ash” he exhaled, she stared back at him, her expression blank, her eyes angry and hateful.

“Go on Declan, do it, pull the trigger.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

So Hayley would like to know what you think...Oh Hayley was in New York City yesterday for a school art trip. And has to ask a question how do other kids get away with escaping the field trips? They sign in and disappear until they need to check in again, where do they disappear to you may ask? Well Hayley asked, they disappeared into the city, moseying around NYC for seven hours. Hayley wishes that she had more gumption and could do that too, but she just can't. She's too much of a good girl.

So Hayley has really nothing else to talk about, and she wishes she did because this post seems very bland. But Hayley now has to leave this snippet be and move onto the piece she has to write for her English class, yes she gets to write a creative piece for English!!!! And its due tomorrow, she hasn't exactly started yet, but her reasons are reasonable, she's been focusing on this, something that means more to her than a school assignment. Hayley should reorganize her priorities but she is quite happy with the way they are, and the assignment will get done. Tonight, even if she has to stay up late. She understands it's part of the writing gig, late nights less sleep. She's fine, she'll get through it.

So she says onward! Onward to her writing for fun/class/but mostly fun!!!!!!!


Mariah Irvin said...

I have a few suggestions...

In the first paragraph, it says "Ashlyn tugged on her tank top, ran a hand through her cropped hair, and bit her lip as she began to kick a piece of the wood, avoiding his eyes..." She can't physically do all this things at the same time. Maybe space them out a little.

Second paragraph, I was immediately confused who was talking to who. It happens a few more times, so I would focus on that as much as possible.

Also, you talk about Ashlyn's short hair later on. I think it would be better to cut it completely from the first paragraph and leave it from Declan's perspective.

Then there's a simple mistake: "Declan didn’t move his eyes never leaving her face." You could change this to "Declan's eyes never moved from her face."

I hope this was helpful! Looks like you're doing a good job so far!

Hayley said...

Mariah- This was beyond helpful, you know once you've been staring at a piece for a few hours you just can't see some things. And looking at it after you pointed that stuff out just, it's all right. Thank you so much Mariah it was so helpful, I'm making the changes now. You're awesome!

Mariah Irvin said...

I'm more than happy to help! I understand what it's like to stare at a computer for days on end trying to fix minor details- it isn't easy!

Jessica (BookLover) said...

Looks like Mariah gave you some pretty good pointers. :)

I really enjoyed your writing and now I'm following. :)

Hayley said...

Jessia-Wow, thank you :)