Saturday, December 31, 2011


A lot has changed this past year. I’ve changed, where I am has changed (if that makes any sense). I’ve decided to do a post on reflections about the year, and what I’ve gone though.

So here we go, this was my goals for 2011, all the ones that were accomplished were italicized and bolded:

-Do MORE research for Glass Heart
-Finish Glass Heart
-Read, over 100 books
-Pass AP exams (with flying colors)
-Give Kittens baths
-Continue to work on stepping out of my comfort zone.

-Query until my fingers bleed (after finishing
And editing obviously)
-Choose a school(for those who are wondering I have been accepted to 6 for 6, out of 14 applications so it will be tough. What was I thinking?)
-Buy(and read) EVERY book that is written by one of my buddies on the blogsphere
(I’m currently knee deep in CRACKED by K.M. it is FREAKING FANTASTIC PEOPLE. Go buy yourself a copy, like now.)
-Buy a Wand from Olivanders at TMWOHP.
-Figure out some of the Bestie angst I've been dealing with.
-Clean my room
-Categorize my entire book collection before departing for college

-Organize my life (hehe not happening, but I can hope)
-Help out my crit. groups as much as I can.
-Oh and most important, be at the Midnight Showing for HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS PART 2 in full HP garb. Yes I am that kind of nerd!
-Alright, I lied, this is the most important, begin posting regularly again, on this blog and my critique group blog.

So…count it up…12/19. That’s what…sixty three percent? That’s way better than last years forty two percent. At least I’m improving. This years goals are fewer, simpler and I have decided to hold myself to a higher standard, I am going to expect at least ninety percent of my goals to be reached by this time next year.

-Finish a WIP
-Edit said WIP
-Either manage my double major, or give up on it
-Get a job up at school
-Maintain a minimum 3.0 GPA
-Post at least twice a month
-Participate in as many blogfests as possible
-Stay true to myself

I’m going to change everything. Well not everything. The blog is getting redone, heck by the time you read this it may already have been revamped.

2012 is going to be a new year. 2011 was better than 2010 and I am holding 2012 to newer, higher standards. I refuse to regret anything that made me smile, I refuse to change who I am for someone else, I refuse to let people change me for the worse. I am going to succeed, why? Because it is my choice to do so. Because I am setting my mind to it.

Life is hard. Anyone who says it’s easy is kidding themselves and you. But it is not going to get me down. I got a taste of what it’s like to just live, and I refuse to be a bystander to my own existence anymore. Bring it on 2012. I made it through 2011 and I’m ready for you.

Saturday, December 3, 2011


A lot has happened in the last few months. I started school which has, aside from the personal drama, been pretty great.

Well at least the academic stuff.

See the thing is, I don't know, I invested in the wrong person. Emotionally I mean. Someone who is a good person somewhere in there but can't seem to find themselves anymore. Maybe. That's what they said anyways, that they were once different, I don't know if I believe it now, but I believed it then.

Anyways the thing is I got hurt. Emotionally hurt. Up until now you see I was always the pretty best friend, the extra in the movie, you know? The camera pans over her until it falls onto the real protagonist. I'd been okay being there, being safe in that bubble. Well I got to school and it looked like everything was going to be the same, but then it wasn't.

I thought for the briefest of moments that maybe ugh, maybe, I wasn't just the semi-attractive extra. Wrong. Oh so very very wrong. I'm writing this here because I don't know where the hell else to put it. I already promised my diary, whose pages are currently overflowing with me over thinking the entire situation beyond repair, that I wouldn't write about it anymore. And I wont. But I needed to put it somewhere, and I deleted my facebook, fuck it I got along seventeen years just fine without one and I just don't need that shit in my life right now.

I'm tired, really tired. I was taken advantage of and used and you know what I accepted that and was moving on. He didn't have to be as cruel as he was, didn't have to treat me the way he did. And despite all that I forgave him because I didn't know what the fuck else to do. Hold a grudge? Not me. Fucking be a bitch? Not me. I wish I could do those things, wish that I could hate him. Maybe a part of me does. No, no, a part of me does. The logical part. The one that knew from the start this was a bad idea.

The rest of me though doesn't want to hate him, hating someone is so stupid, so hard, so stressful.

I just needed to get this out here. I'm going to be okay, I've come back from worse, lived with worse I know. But just now is hard. Because this is a new hurt. I honestly want to turn back the clock three months and save myself this pain. I was put in a shit situation, one that had nothing to do with me as a person, and yet I'm the one getting the shit. Taking the shit because for some fucking reason I recognize how hurt the other party is and I'm not the kind to inflict anymore pain. At least not intentionally. And because of that I never once stood up for myself. Never once.

I don't recognize that girl. The one who is scared to speak her mind, express how hurt she is. Fuck that. That's not me. I refuse to take backseat in my own life and just be an emotional punching bag. I just refuse. I deserve better than that.

I'm going to bed now. It has been a long three months, and suddenly things are starting to look up. This is going to get easier, I know it is. Especially now.

I've slowly been finding my way back to the role of the best friend character. It's safe there. I'm safe there. Right now is just not my time for shinning.