Saturday, December 3, 2011


A lot has happened in the last few months. I started school which has, aside from the personal drama, been pretty great.

Well at least the academic stuff.

See the thing is, I don't know, I invested in the wrong person. Emotionally I mean. Someone who is a good person somewhere in there but can't seem to find themselves anymore. Maybe. That's what they said anyways, that they were once different, I don't know if I believe it now, but I believed it then.

Anyways the thing is I got hurt. Emotionally hurt. Up until now you see I was always the pretty best friend, the extra in the movie, you know? The camera pans over her until it falls onto the real protagonist. I'd been okay being there, being safe in that bubble. Well I got to school and it looked like everything was going to be the same, but then it wasn't.

I thought for the briefest of moments that maybe ugh, maybe, I wasn't just the semi-attractive extra. Wrong. Oh so very very wrong. I'm writing this here because I don't know where the hell else to put it. I already promised my diary, whose pages are currently overflowing with me over thinking the entire situation beyond repair, that I wouldn't write about it anymore. And I wont. But I needed to put it somewhere, and I deleted my facebook, fuck it I got along seventeen years just fine without one and I just don't need that shit in my life right now.

I'm tired, really tired. I was taken advantage of and used and you know what I accepted that and was moving on. He didn't have to be as cruel as he was, didn't have to treat me the way he did. And despite all that I forgave him because I didn't know what the fuck else to do. Hold a grudge? Not me. Fucking be a bitch? Not me. I wish I could do those things, wish that I could hate him. Maybe a part of me does. No, no, a part of me does. The logical part. The one that knew from the start this was a bad idea.

The rest of me though doesn't want to hate him, hating someone is so stupid, so hard, so stressful.

I just needed to get this out here. I'm going to be okay, I've come back from worse, lived with worse I know. But just now is hard. Because this is a new hurt. I honestly want to turn back the clock three months and save myself this pain. I was put in a shit situation, one that had nothing to do with me as a person, and yet I'm the one getting the shit. Taking the shit because for some fucking reason I recognize how hurt the other party is and I'm not the kind to inflict anymore pain. At least not intentionally. And because of that I never once stood up for myself. Never once.

I don't recognize that girl. The one who is scared to speak her mind, express how hurt she is. Fuck that. That's not me. I refuse to take backseat in my own life and just be an emotional punching bag. I just refuse. I deserve better than that.

I'm going to bed now. It has been a long three months, and suddenly things are starting to look up. This is going to get easier, I know it is. Especially now.

I've slowly been finding my way back to the role of the best friend character. It's safe there. I'm safe there. Right now is just not my time for shinning.


Sara Raasch said...

I love you, honey! College is both the best of times and the worst of times, and it such an important step in helping you figure out your true place in life.

Have you watched the movie The Holiday? You should. Iris's character totally helped me during my college days.

K. M. Walton said...

Keep believing that you deserve better than that. Keep telling yourself the same. Because you do, dear, dear Hayley.

This post is proof positive that you are anything but down for the count. Hell no. Keep that inner fire lit and you will be just fine.

The Blogger Girlz said...

College is intense. It amplifies everything, which is good since you're already amazing! You just have to watch out for the jerks since they get amplified into asses.

Have you tried writing him in and then killing him off? In my stories only men die on screen and they're all my ex-boyfriend.

The Blogger Girlz said...

Drop by our blog to pick up the "smart cookie" award.