Sunday, January 2, 2011

Kiss Her Damnit!!

I suppose my No-Kiss scene for this epic fest needs a little bit of an introduction. So here goes, the basic info you need to get the scene. What you need to know:

1) They are on a road trip

2) Zoie just inadvertently adopted a puppy(Bear), by complete accident, but she loves him.

3) They are driving through the country side and have stopped for the night in this old private property because they were way too far away from a hotel and well they’re teenagers, money is not something they have readily at their disposal. She goes for a nice long walk in the morning exploring the property and finds a large water fountain.

4) She talked Demetri into this trip.

Here we go. I would like to apologize beforehand for a few of the grammatical errors that I know are there (because they always are) even though I scoured over this thing trying to make it cohesive. As always feedback is appreciated and I will try to comment on all the other contributions once I get home from work tonight. Happy 2nd Annual No-Kiss Blogfest!!!

Zoie took her shoes off and rolled up her jeans stepping into the fountain. For a moment she just stood there watching as the water traveled around bubbling up and cascading down the elegant sculpture. She reached forwards, closed her eyes and let the cool stream flow over her hand. Bear yipped up at her and she jumped, opening her eyes to glance down at the puppy. He had his two front paws up on the fountain wall starring up at her with big pathetic mudpies for eyes. Zoie leaned over and scooped him up placing him next to her on the wall of the fountain. He stared at his reflection in the water, tilting his head to the side curiously.

“See silly? You’re not missing anything. It’s just water.” she leaned forwards slipping her hand under his reflection in the water and splashing it up at him. He jumped back growling and she giggled standing up, walking away from him, her hands in the air, spinning around slowly. The wind nipped at her ears, the cool excess spray from the fountain landing on her cheeks with the utmost care. Dots beginning to speckle her vision, and Zoie began to slow down, trying to steady herself.

“What the hell are you doing?!” Demetri’s voice shattered the quiet of the morning and Zoie slipped falling backwards into the water. She landed squarely on her butt, just under the cascading expulsion of the fountain. She started to laugh.

“Zoie! What the hell are you doing? This is Private Property, if we get caught we will get in trouble as in jail! I only agreed to stop here because you promised you’d behave!” she didn’t look at him, her hand covering her mouth as she continued to giggle.

“Zoie!” he hollered, and Bear turned towards him, a low growl escaping his lips, he let out a high pitched woof, raising his hackles at Demetri. Zoie waded over to the edge of the fountain where Demetri was standing.

“There is no one here. Take a chill.”

“Zoie this is so stupid we could get in serious trouble, I mean it is bad enough that we’re skipping school and driving over a thousand miles away from where we live, if we get caught we are so dead.” He ran a hand through his hair, and then placed either hand onto the fountains edge leaning forwards. She smiled at him, moving closer to him, she reached out her hands grasping onto the front of his shirt.

“Demetri, you really need to lighten up.” And with that she tugged him into the water with her.

She backed away, giggling as Demetri sat up in the water.

“You are so going to regret that.” He dove at her, grasping onto her side and tickling her feverishly. She began to twist and turn back and fourth painful laughter bubbling up inside her, as they struggled. She tried to tickle him back but he held her tight.

“Stop—Demetri—stop” her voice came in sharp gasps, her brown eyes wide with desperation but he didn’t let go. Zoie shifted again managing to wiggle free.

“That was not fair! You’re bigger than me!”

“You sound like a four year old.” Demetri said as he splashed at her. She moved towards him in the water, admiring how wet shirt clung to his muscles.

“Oh bite me.” They were standing up now and he stood a good foot above her, so she stood up on her tip-toes trying as best she could to get into his face.

“Maybe I will.” He placed one hand onto either of her shoulders, his eyes searching her face. Her mouth twitched up in a smile and she leaned in closer to her, her arms finding their way around his neck so she was completely pressed against him.

“Maybe” she took a deep breath, her mouth as close to his as she could manage, “you should.”

He leaned forwards blood coursing through his veins, he wondered after all this time if she still tasted the same, or if the years they’d spent apart had altered her so completely he wouldn’t recognize her lips.

“Woof!” The ten pound mutt lunged towards them, his hackles raised a growl perched on his lips, throwing himself between his master and the boy he felt was a threat. They split apart as the dog crashed into the water. He let out a yip, began to slash wildly back and forth, his eyes growing wide with fear. Immediately Zoie scooped him up, he clung to her, shaking wet, whimpering from the cold.

“I guess he doesn’t like the water.” Demetri said taking a step back and sticking his hands, unsuccessfully, into his damp pockets, his blue eyes searching her face. She didn’t meet his eyes, just nodded and waded her way over to the edge of the fountain, putting bear down onto the ground and climbing out herself. She rung her hair out and then turned to him.

“Come on, we’ve got to go.” Then she scooped the puppy up again and began to march towards where their van was, leaving Demetri alone wading in a fountain.

So the verdict is?

Alright everyone have a nice day, enjoy the almost kisses and Happy New Year!! Oh and thank you for reading I really appreciate it! :)


Jessica Lei said...

Hi! I really liked this! It was cute and carefree. I love how you effortlessly included action within the whole narrative, like the splashing and the dog. Great job!

I do think you were missing a few commas here and there :) But it's easy to get into the grove and forget about them! Mostly with this kind of sentence structure: Subject verb-ed, verb-ing more things. You also switched POV in the fourth paragraph from the end :) Again, easy to do!

Thanks for sharing! :D

Sarah Ahiers (Falen) said...

Ha! Cute! I can say with absolute truth that i've had many a dog who get jealous when two people hug or kiss, so this is totally believable.

Tricia J. O'Brien said...

I like the playfulness in this scene, and how, in the end, she leaves Demetri alone in the fountain. Nice touch.

Frankie Diane Mallis said...

Oh this was very cute. I could totally picture everything and loved the idea of the fountain for the setting and Bear sounded so cute! I think I'd only try to amp up the moment when Demetri goes from worried and uptight to feeling playful-bc that shift in his mood was abrupt. But otherwise, Loved it!! Also I want a puppy!

Amparo Ortiz said...

Agree that the mood was abrupt, but I sooo loved this scene!! My dog would've done the same thing. She's impossible like that.

Love Zoie's guts here. Definitely someone I'd be friends with.

Great post!

Kelly Lyman said...

Oh, Bear. You ruined the moment! ;) My dog does this too!! I thought this was really cute and I could totally picture it. Nice job!

Devin Bond said...

This was cute. I could feel Zoie's carefree nature and spontaneity. Bear, of course, was adorable.

There were a few spots where commas were missing and you switched to Demetri's POV for the almost kiss.

Other than that, it was a great read!

J.C. Martin said...

I really liked this! Cute and sweet! I like Zoie's carefree rebelliousness in contrast to Demetri's more uptight, by-the-book attitude. And any story with a cute puppy in it is always awesome!

Raquel Byrnes said...

I like how you used the puppy to keep them was a great tool to heighten the tension.
Edge of Your Seat Romance

Summer Ross said...

Very nice! I like all the playful ness and the tickling was very fun.

Charity Bradford said...

I loved it too. The lightness are carefree play was a great contrast to the near kiss tension.

gideon 86 said...

Such a sweet easy read. You flow is flow is terrific, your characters well defined, and the scene described nicely.

I really like the way you write.
Good job.


Amalia T. said...

I was so worried they were going to get caught by the owners of the property and then Demetri would never forgive her! So glad that you went with the puppy interruption instead so I can still have hope!

I love that he wonders if the time apart has changed her kiss.

Loralie Hall said...

Your description as this opens is fantastic, you really set a good scene. And like Amalia, I was worried the fountain owners were going to be the interruption. The way you wrote it instead makes it so much more light-hearted, amidst the kiss tension ^_^

Madeleine said...

Ooh I loved the scene. Great idea in the fountain and the puppy. I should have known he'd break up the kiss, but it read with such a flow that it was unexpected. Great stuff! :O)

Christine Danek said...

Great job! Loved the fountain idea. I can picture it. So cute.

K. M. Walton said...

Hi, Hayley!! I really like how he is the worry wart and she is the carefree character.

VERY good writing!

Dominic de Mattos said...

Hi Hayley

This was very well written - great stuff. The shape of the passage was really good, the build up of tension was believable and the characters had their own strong voices

A couple of editing tips -
Try and avoid -ing words (eg first sentence: Zoie took of her shoes, rolled up her jeans and stepped into the fountain. It's very hard to roll up jeans at the same time as you step anywhere!!)
-ly words should not be over-used - there is almost always a stronger way of saying it. In other words a descriptive verb is stronger than a weak verb with an adverb. eg he strolled is stronger than he walked slowly.

I only say this because they are two of my biggest problems!

Incidentally, it may not be the same for other readers but "wading" suggests waist deep water to me.

Anyway - this was great stuff and I really enjoyed it

:Dom (My No Kiss)